How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize