omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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