Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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