I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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