i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
