im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
