If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Pants are for mortals
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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