So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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