glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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