Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
