I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
