You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
