Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
