I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
