I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
