i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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