Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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