It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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