I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
