Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
