it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
