If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize