Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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