i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
