I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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