you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
