Just fell off a train. Bad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
