Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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