Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
