i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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