my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
