So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
