it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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