he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
