Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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