just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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