i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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