My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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