Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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