Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
