I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
