you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
