fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
