Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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