I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
