So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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