My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
