Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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