Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just forgot I was standing up.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
