I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Bring me that man meat
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
