I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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