great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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