my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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