my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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