If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
