Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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