In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
