this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
