you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
