Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
