no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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