I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
