Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
