I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
